if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize