When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
