I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
