brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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