my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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