He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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