My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
