Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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