best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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