Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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