is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
