I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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