I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize