Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
