I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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