Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There r osticjed everywhere
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
