This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
