I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
