i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
