I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
