How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I want is dick and wine.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
