Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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