I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
