I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
