WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
