dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
