So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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