I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
