I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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