Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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