if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
