I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just sent this text using only my big toe
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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