i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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