its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
