I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
