dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
