I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
