I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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