Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
