If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
