I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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