i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
