I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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