After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize