she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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