thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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