i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
