do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
