I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Randomize
