My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
