My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
