Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This baby is an asshole
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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