Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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