my vag is so smooth its legendary
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Walk of Shame today included voting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
