On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
