Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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