yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
