we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
