shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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