omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
